Anxiety struggles – Are You Protecting Your Teen or Hindering Their Growth?
When my son struggled with anxiety about going to school, I faced a big dilemma. Seeing him distressed, I battled in my own head with “do I protect him by allowing him to stay home to offer reassurances and help him overcome his anxiety or do I tell him ‘You can do it. Once you are there, you’ll be fine. School is important.’”
I worried that if I pushed too hard, I’d risk overwhelming him, potentially deepening his anxiety and damaging trust. But, if I protected too much, I might unintentionally teach him that anxiety should be avoided rather than managed, limiting his growth and independence. This concern is echoed by many parents in Cardiff who navigate similar challenges related to mental health.
I guess both approaches have some truth in them, but that’s not helpful to parents who are looking for clear, practical advice when faced with this situation. The reality is that supporting anxious children and teens works best when you find a middle ground between these extremes.
What makes this particularly challenging is that the right balance differs not just for each child, but for each situation and developmental stage. What worked yesterday might not work today. What’s appropriate for one anxiety-provoking situation might be completely wrong for another.
When to Encourage Them to "Get On With It"
- Low-Level Anxiety: If your teen experiences mild anxiety about everyday situations, such as trying out for a sports team or speaking in class, gently encouraging them to push through can build resilience. Phrases like “You can do this!” or “Just give it a try!” can help motivate them to face their fears.
- Growth Opportunities: Situations that promote personal growth, like attending a social event or taking on a new responsibility, are often worth the discomfort. Remind them that stepping out of their comfort zone is essential for development.
- Building Coping Skills: Encourage your teen to develop coping strategies, like deep breathing or positive visualisation, before facing a challenging situation. This can empower them to manage their anxiety rather than avoid it.
When to Acknowledge Their Anxiety
- Severe Anxiety Symptoms: If your teen exhibits intense anxiety that interferes with daily life—such as panic attacks, chronic avoidance, or debilitating fears—it’s vital to acknowledge their feelings and seek professional help.
- Persistent Worry: If your teen is consistently preoccupied with worries that seem disproportionate to the actual situation, it’s essential to validate their feelings. Let them know it’s okay to feel anxious and that they aren’t alone in their struggles.
- Seeking Help: Encourage open communication about their feelings. If your teen expresses a desire for help or indicates that their anxiety is overwhelming, support them in seeking professional guidance, such as counselling or therapy.
Strategies for Parents
- Open Dialogue: Create an environment where your teen feels safe discussing their feelings. Ask open-ended questions and listen actively without judgment.
- Model Healthy Coping: Demonstrate effective coping strategies yourself. Share how you manage stress and anxiety in your life and encourage them to adopt similar practices.
- Set Realistic Expectations: Help your teen set achievable goals and remind them that perfection is not the objective. Celebrate small victories to build their confidence.
- Educate Yourself: Familiarize yourself with anxiety disorders and their treatments. Understanding what your teen is going through will enhance your ability to support them effectively. This is especially relevant for parents in Cardiff, where resources on mental health are increasingly available.
Parents can find this balance by offering encouragement without pushing; providing safety without taking over; accepting the child’s struggles while showing confidence in their abilities and adjusting support based on the child or teen’s changing needs. This way, they can feel both supported and empowered, while parents feel more confident in navigating the complex territory of childhood anxiety.
Parenting an anxious child can feel like an emotional tug-of-war. Your instinct to protect battles with your understanding of what your child needs for healthy development. This internal conflict is entirely normal. Your protective response is biologically wired—seeing your child in distress activates primitive regions of your brain designed to keep them safe. Meanwhile, your rational understanding of anxiety tells you that some exposure to challenges is necessary for growth.
You’d be surprised how making a shift from seeing anxiety management as something that the parent must do for the child/teen, to something they collaborate on together. This partnership approach transforms the dynamic from a potential power struggle to a shared project.
This toolkit might include:
- Agreed-upon signals your child can use when feeling overwhelmed
- Comfort objects that provide a sense of security during challenges
- Personalised coping statements that resonate with your child
- Breathing or grounding techniques practised together during calm times
- Role-played scenarios for anticipated difficult situations
- Visual aids like worry jars to help express worry and make it feel manageable.
Parents of anxious children often face anxiety decision points. They are those situations where you must decide whether to encourage facing a fear or allow your child to step back. These moments often feel important and difficult.
When you’re facing an anxiety decision point, consider:
- What’s the potential benefit of pushing forward?
- Is this an important life skill they need to develop?
- Is avoiding this creating significant limitations?
- Will facing this now prevent bigger challenges later?
- What’s the potential cost of pushing forward?
- How severe is their current anxiety about this?
- Is this situation unusually challenging owing to other factors?
- What’s their emotional reserve like today?
- What’s the context of this particular situation?
- Is this part of a pattern or an isolated challenge?
- Are there particular aspects making this harder right now?
- Are there ways to modify the situation to increase success?
- What does intuition tell you about your child’s capacity right now?
- Do they seem more open to suggestions or more fragile than usual?
- Is there emotional bandwidth for a challenge today?
- What is your relationship like at this moment?
Getting Professional Help
While many anxious children respond well to thoughtful parenting approaches, there are times when professional support becomes essential.
Parents should consider seeking help when
- Your child’s anxiety is causing significant and long-lasting distress or affecting multiple areas of life (sleep, school, friendships, family relationships)
- You’ve tried consistent approaches for 4-6 months without improvement
- Your child’s anxiety seems to be worsening despite your best efforts
- Your child expresses thoughts about not wanting to live or feeling hopeless
- Your child develops physical symptoms that have been medically cleared but persist, like stomach pains
- Family life has become centred around accommodating your child’s anxiety
Early intervention can make a substantial difference, especially in areas like Cardiff, where resources for mental health support are increasingly accessible. Many parents tell me they wish they’d sought help sooner rather than trying to manage everything themselves.
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